


Lift Me Up, Let Me Go

by jaded_jane



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Fringe references, M/M, birthday gift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-30
Updated: 2012-05-30
Packaged: 2017-11-08 01:49:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/437790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaded_jane/pseuds/jaded_jane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kames drabbles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lift Me Up, Let Me Go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skyline](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyline/gifts).



> Fluff to start off, more angst as drabbles progress. Cussing in drabble 2. (The f-word is used like 3 times.) They are sort of connected but each can stand on its own which is why the “timeline” is not linear. If you enjoy them, you can thank **skyline** since I wrote them for her as part of a writing experiment. The first drabble references an episode of Fringe entitled “Back To Where You’ve Never Been” as well as the Fringe Universe(s) as a whole. **skyline** and I adore this show which is why I used it; plus it was her birthday gift. Titles for collection and drabbles 1, 2, 4 come from the following Linkin Park songs (in order): The Catalyst, My December, Wretches and Kings, and Robot Boy. Drabble 3 was inspired by, and thus titled using, Blink 182’s After Midnight.

**This Is Me Pretending This Is All I Need**  
Summary: Kendall and James watch an episode of Fringe while Kendall snarks about it.

“So which Lincoln is which?”

James rolled his eyes at Kendall’s question. Any idiot with vision could clearly see that the one on the left was “nerdy” Lincoln and the one on the right was “badass” Lincoln. It didn’t matter that the Lincolns were supposed to look identical thanks to “nerdy” Lincoln’s makeover and played by the same actor, James could tell that inferior hair care products were used in nerdy’s transformation. Couldn’t Kendall see it too?

“This is why Logan hates this show. Too many inconsistencies.”

James didn’t care about such things. He started watching Fringe because he liked the look of Josh Jackson and continued to watch since he also liked the “monsters of the week”. They were so different and cool. And just where did all that amber just randomly come from anyway? James supposed that the discovery of the “red” universe finally answered that question. That, and their habit of ambering anything considered remotely dangerous. Aka, the other side.

“They stuck him in a broom closet? The guy’s got a big ‘ole bull’s-eye on his back and he’s being left unguarded in a closet. Granted it’s a locked closet, but he’s also handcuffed to a pole. Seriously? Why not just shoot him in the head now?”

James could remember a time when Kendall didn’t watch Fringe. It was only after Carlos started rambling about a cow named Gene (whatever happened to his and Carlos’ cow? James misses her from time to time) did Kendall sit down to see what the fuss was about.

Kendall claimed he stuck around for Anna Torv, but James knew the truth. Kendall was heavily invested in the Peter/Walter storyline. He liked the way they interacted, believing that despite all of the obstacles, such as Walter being certifiable for a stretch of several years and possibly still not in his right mind, the bond between father and son was too strong to fully break. Unlike the bond between Kendall and his own father.

Kendall refused to speak for a few hours after seeing the episode where Peter learns that he belongs to another universe, another Walter. Kendall’s face mirrored the heartbroken look written across Walter’s face at Peter’s anger.

When Kendall broke his silence, it was to ask James this question: why couldn’t Peter see what Walter had done was to make sure he lived when his own Peter had not?

The question just made James more sure that he had found the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Currently, the love of his life was gasping at the latest revelation. “What does he mean ‘In every one, the result is the same’? Aren’t these the same people who tried and **failed** to cease Peter’s existence? Who’s to say that they aren’t wrong here? And just how did he end up shot? I thought they could see **everything**. Doesn’t that mean he’d know it was coming? Did he let himself get shot?”

James didn’t know how to respond to any of Kendall’s questions. Not only did he not have any answers because he was watching the same show Kendall was, but also he had the same questions.

“Do you think that Peter will ever get home? To his own universe/timeline, I mean?”

James gathered Kendall in his arms, holding him tight. “I don’t know, Kendall. We will continue to watch this show every Friday. Maybe we’ll get an answer to that question, maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll get an answer we won’t like, such as the “amber” universe is Peter’s new home and he’ll never see his Olivia again.

What I do know is this: if I ever got stuck in an alternate timeline, I would never stop trying to get home to you. Because it will never be home without you.”

 

 

  


**To Save Face (How Low Can You Go?)**  
Summary: James finds out where he ranks in Kendall’s life. It’s all a lie.

The bright glint of sunshine pierced Kendall’s brain as the door slammed open.

When Kendall regained his vision, he saw his beautiful boyfriend scanning the ice, attempting to locate _his_ missing boyfriend. Not wanting to prolong what Kendall saw as inevitable, he leaned over and called out, “Why are you here?”

Kendall watched as James stalked over to the bleachers, climbing them swiftly. Kendall slid down the bench making room for James but James refused to sit. Instead, he stood over Kendall, looming like the imposing figure he was.

“What the fuck, Kendall? Is this where you’ve been coming these last few days?” James didn’t wait for confirmation before he barreled on. “I let you be because I thought you needed time for yourself, time to figure things out- like maybe how to apologize for leaving me to sleep alone in a stairwell while you snuck off to who knows where-especially after I shouldered your ass all the way home from Rocque Records that night! Who does that?”

Kendall stared down at his skates, not bothering to defend himself or answer James’ questions. Things were going to conclude only one way in Kendall’s mind.

James took Kendall’s silence as indifference. “Don’t you have anything to say? Anything at all?”

Kendall stood at that point. He stepped up to James and said, “Yeah. I do have something to say. You’re blocking my way to the ice and I’d like to skate. Move.”

“Fuck you. You’d rather be out there than with me?”

Kendall mentally prepped himself for the lie he was about to tell. He took one last look at James’ gorgeous eyes and answered, “Yes. Why do you think I’ve been coming here and didn’t tell you?” He pushed past James, appearing to be in no great hurry, all the while the voice inside Kendall’s head was screaming for him to turn around and beg for James’ forgiveness on his hands and knees.

As he put one foot onto the ice, Kendall heard James’ voice ring out. “I hope you have fun with the ice because you no longer have a boyfriend to deal with. I wouldn’t want to stand in the way of _true love_.” Kendall listened to the door bang shut shortly thereafter.

Kendall managed to skate drills for about five minutes before he let himself collapse on the opposite side of the rink. He felt his heart crumbling into a million tiny pieces that he was sure he’d never be able to glue back together.

Not without James.

 _What the fuck have I done?_ was the only thought that ran through Kendall’s mind for many days afterwards.

 

 

  


**I Kinda Think That We Won’t Get Better**  
Summary: James tries to carry Kendall’s nearly comatose body to 2J and doesn’t get far.

The elevator’s “Out Of Service” sign was the last thing James wanted to see.

A quick glance at the giant clock above Bitters’ desk showed the time to be well past midnight. Damn Gustavo and his ridiculous work ethic. Hadn’t he read up on child labor laws? Most likely, Gustavo didn’t care that he was breaking them. It might be time to strike again.

James shuddered at that fleeting thought. He couldn’t risk more delicates being ruined so telling Logan to re-educate Gustavo seemed like the best option.

Hopefully, he would remember when he awoke tomorrow, or rather, later today.

A groan behind James reminded him that he wasn’t alone. At least Carlos and Logan were already home. James didn’t think he could wrangle all three boys up the stairs and into the apartment after trudging back to the Palmwoods on foot- Gustavo insisted the air would do them good.

James turned slightly and threw his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders. The blonde was rapidly losing consciousness after dancing for the last six hours straight and James needed to get him to bed, _now_. “Come on, buddy. Looks like we’re taking the stairs.”

Kendall groaned again but didn’t put up a fight as James steered them towards the nearest stairwell.

James thanked whoever was listening that they lived on the second floor and not the fourth like Camille. James might be able to bench press the most weight amongst himself and his friends, but Kendall’s dead weight was like carrying a very large sack of wet flour.

After reaching the landing of the first floor, James had to take a break. He lowered Kendall to the floor and became slightly disturbed when Kendall curled himself into a ball.

James knew from experience that Kendall’s slumber was akin to rigor mortis. Once Kendall found a position to sleep in, he would not be pliant again until he was awoken, no matter how uncomfortable the pose or location.

James made a half-hearted attempt to kick Kendall to prevent him from falling too deeply asleep; he, like the rest of his family, could sleep through nearly anything. James’ boot tapped Kendall’s leg, causing Kendall to mutter in his sleep, “We’ll fall apart on the weekend.”

James stopped moving and breathing, Kendall’s words striking terror within his soul.

Things had been difficult for the couple as of late. They were fighting more and more each weekend over the stupidest things, like whose turn it was to go down Swirly first or who had to take the trash to the garbage chute.

Logan blamed it on the lack of structure of the household. Mrs. Knight politely told Logan to shut his yap.

James expressed some concern about the status of their relationship to Kendall, who in turn, pecked James on the lips after assuring him that every couple gets into arguments. _It’s normal to bicker. We’re ok. Arguments don’t mean break-up._

Kendall walked away from that conversation looking very self-assured while James still worried a bit that Kendall didn’t worry at all, about James or their relationship.

Kendall’s sleep-filled confession of sorts proved to James that Kendall did agonize over what was happening between them. It made James feel slightly better, except now he knew that the confident one was not so sure of anything himself.

James looked at the lump that was Kendall on the stairs’ platform as he slowly sank along the wall to the floor. James was not leaving Kendall, not now (even with his own bed a short distance away), not ever, if James had his way.

James scooted over to Kendall’s body, laying himself along side. He looped his arm into Kendall’s and that’s how they slept- arm in arm, in one of the Palmwoods’ stairwells after staggering home behind midnight.

 

 

  


**The Weight of The World Will Give You The Strength To Go**  
Summary: Kendall holds a yard sale- by the Palmwoods' pool.

“What are you doing?”

Kendall busied himself rearranging the assorted hockey gear spread before him on the makeshift table instead of looking at the owner of the voice. “You already know what I’m doing, Logan. You were there when I hauled all of this stuff out of the apartment half an hour ago and you asked that question then too.”

Logan sighed. “As I recall, you dodged it then as well. It doesn’t matter though because I do know what you’re doing. But he doesn’t,” Logan said as he pointed to what Kendall assumed was 2J’s window.

Kendall could make out a faint silhouette standing in the window. He squinted but that didn’t help sharpen the image. It could have been anyone, including his own mother.

Kendall shrugged at Logan. “So?”

“I’ve been instructed to tell you that the blue stick is James’.”

Kendall knew whom the hockey stick rightfully belonged to when he grabbed it. Kendall hoped its owner would come to claim it himself so he feigned ignorance. “It is? Take it back with you. Off you go now.” Kendall tried shooing Logan away, but Logan didn’t budge. “Really, take it. Unless you want to pay for it? Price tag says five dollars. Of course nothing has been selling, so you really should just take the damn stick.”

Logan rolled his eyes. “Kendall. This is California, not Minnesota. A poolside ‘yard sale’ is not going to work when it features something the people have no interest in. And he told me to tell you he doesn’t want it back.”

Kendall’s hope sank with Logan’s words. “I thought if I gave it all away he’d realize that he _is_ more important to me than hockey. And he’d give me another chance,” he whispered.

“You should have thought about that when you started avoiding him by being at the rink every free moment. Why were you avoiding him?” Logan was genuinely curious.

It seemed like things were good for James and Kendall until one day Kendall was nowhere to be found. After several more days of this, James couldn’t handle it anymore and broke up with Kendall, saying Kendall wanted to spend more time with the ice than him, so who was he to stand in _true love_ ’s way. Now he’d have all the time in the world for his precious hockey.

Kendall stared at his feet for a moment. “I was scared.”

Logan shook his head thinking he must have misheard his best friend. “Excuse me?”

“I was scared,” Kendall repeated. “A while back, James said that without me, he would never consider any place home. It terrified me that he actually meant it. I started picking fights hoping he’d get sick of it and break it off. That he would realize he’s living his dream and that’s the path he needs to follow. Not me. Instead, last month when I woke up to us spooning in a Palmwood’s stairwell, I wiggled out of his grasp and left James sleeping there, alone. It was an extremely dickheaded move, but I made it. That’s when I started avoiding him. I knew it would force him to be the ‘bad guy’ and call it quits on our relationship.”

Kendall lifted his gaze to Logan. “I know this band won’t go on forever. I’ve always planned on going back to Minnesota. Playing for the Wild. I can’t have James giving up on his dream so I can have mine. He’ll resent me for it.”

Logan stared at Kendall in disbelief. “Don’t you think you should have discussed all that with James first?”

Logan walked away before Kendall could even form a response.

* * *

  
“Do you still love him?”

James peered down at his best friend standing beside him in front of the window. They had been watching Kendall and Logan speak down by the pool. “Yes I do, Carlos. Very much.”

Carlos scrunched up his face in confusion. “Then why aren’t you with him?”

James’ heart agreed with Carlos’ question. “He wanted to be set free, so I let him go. Sometimes love isn’t enough.”  



End file.
